Tags
cis dudes, cis priveledge, cisnormativity, cissexism, labels, LGBT, LGBTQ, priviledge, queer, trans
On Friday I had the distressing experience of being told by a Cis Dude I was socialising with that I’m not really queer. I was contemplating if, and how, to call him out, when he sent me an email asking if I thought he was queer, which gave the opportunity to call him out whilst explaining why it’s not my place to answer his question. Here is my (slightly edited, to anonymise Cis Dude, correct some typos that I really should have attended to before pressing ‘send’, and make a hyperlink look less clunky) reply:
Dear Cis Dude,
Thank you for your email.
Firstly, I would like to point out that I am queer, not a queer. I find the addition of the article ‘a’ problematic for two reasons:
1) the label ‘a queer’ feels like one that attempts to entirely defines me, as in I am ‘a queer’ and only ‘a queer’, to the exclusion of everything else, and there is no room for being a person, or any other labels;
2) ‘a queer’, or phrases like ‘he is a queer’ others and homogenises queers in a way that ‘a person who is queer’ or ‘he is queer’ don’t. It’s similar to phrases like ‘the gays’, ‘the blacks’, ‘the immigrants’ or ‘the unemployed’. In the same way that my aunt made a blanket statement that ‘the gays don’t want gay marriage anyway’ because she feels ‘the gays’ are all of one mind, and that she, a straight person, can speak for all of them, ‘a queer’ is too easily used to lump all queers into a homogenous group with the same needs and opinions, for whom others can speak.
Secondly, you ask whether I think you are queer. Your response when I mentioned the queer hairdresser on Friday was to tell me that I’m not queer. This doesn’t change the fact that I am queer. It is a label that we get to choose for ourselves, that is not imposed or removed from outside. I found it hurtful that, on just our second meeting, you felt you knew more about who and what I am than I know from an entire lifetime of knowing myself, and that you are in a better position to judge my queerness than I am. You know nothing about the path that led me to espouse the label ‘queer’, or what ‘queer’ means to me, and yet you casually erased that identity with your ‘no, you’re not’ before you’d even bothered to find out more. In the same way that it was inappropriate for you to erase my queerness on Friday, it would be inappropriate for me to pass comment on whether you are queer or not. It is for you, and only you, to decide.
You may find this video helpful for thinking about queerness.
The hairdresser (actually, they use the term ‘barber’ and we talked about the differences between ‘hairdresser’ and ‘barber’ and how that line is policed, so I should probably say ‘barber’) was lovely and I’m pleased with the cut, thank you.
I hope you enjoyed the rest of your weekend.
~arthurstodgyn
Note: the barber I went to is indeed lovely, and are non-judgemental and LGBT friendly. If you would like to know more about them, they are called Open Barbers and are based in Finsbury Park.